Grief and grace on mother’s day.

I woke up this morning and listed all the things that make me valuable. 

You see, being a mom that has experienced loss on Mother’s Day is kinda rough. And that is putting it lightly. If you are reading this, it is likely you understand. Please know that I am thinking about you today and sending you so much love.

I spent the first years of my fertility journey avoiding this day. I didn’t get on social media and wouldn’t turn on the TV leading up to the weekend. My phone was silenced and my interactions with it were limited. It was too hard to have that reminder of the things I wouldn’t be doing on that special Sunday in May.

I wouldn’t be chasing my kiddo around all morning before church. I wouldn't be fussing over his outfit and what he ate for breakfast. I wouldn't be admiring flowers that I received for all the ways I keep the family functioning. I wouldn’t get handed homemade cards or dandelions found in the backyard. And some of the hardest moments would happen, too. I could guarantee that a well intended stranger would kindly say, “Happy Mother’s Day!” I would have to control my tears as I said, "Thank you." in effort to avoid sharing my story and an awkward interaction.

Fortunately, as years passed it got easier for me. I learned how to cope with some of the feelings. Sometimes I was able to face the day without tears. I made an effort to trade the sorrow for joy by spending extra time on gifts for the mothers in my life. I crocheted blankets and went shopping for more meaningful gifts. I took time with memories. I used my headspace to think about how blessed I am. I have a great relationship with my mother and my husband’s mother. We are fortunate to still be able to spend these days with them. The focus on celebrating our appreciation for their role in our lives made the missing pieces that accompanied it a little easier. 

Today feels even better than the last. I have learned that the blessings and the sadness can exist together. There are friends experiencing their first Mother’s Day. I am thankful for another year with my mother. I can recognize the growth and healing that has occurred in my life. All blessings.

Today I will celebrate by loving myself. I will take care of my needs and acknowledge my worth. I will go get coffee and laugh with a friend. I will take a walk and enjoy the sun on my face. I will bake banana bread. I will plant a tree to honor Mother Earth and to remember the babies that gave me hope. And it is also likely that I will shed some tears. 

Both emotions can and will show up on this special day. I will move through this day with grief and grace. 

My hope is that your day is full of love. And when you have hard moments, offer yourself grace. Spend time being present. Write the things that make you valuable. Do the things you love. Feel the emotions of the day. Let them flood your body and then let them go. Tomorrow is a new day and it will be here soon.

Big hugs, momma!