The walk of shame.

This is different than the walk of shame you all are thinking about. The one where you spend all evening going on an adventure without planning. Then you decide it is better to stay where you are and come home the next day....wearing the same clothes. The feeling of embarrassment that comes with donning the same clothes that are sometimes less appropriate for a mid morning walk can be rough.

This is not the walk I am referring to. It is different in many ways. The most prevalent is that it happens all day, every day.

I have been blessed to work from a home office for the past 5 months. This has allowed for me to gain strength and reflect on what happens to life when you experience loss. The feelings that come with having 4 miscarriages can get muddy and heavy to carry every day. I have been able to make the choice of when to leave my house and who I want to interact with each day.

While being at home has been a blessing, I often feel like I am on my own walk of shame when I leave my home. The insecurities that show up, the protection I have created for myself is tested.

I have become so calculated in my every move. I research the restaurant, where I will park, how busy it will be, what will I order, and the list goes on.

I am constantly preparing for the interaction that may break through the barriers that I have built to protect.

It makes me feel like the person that is rushing from point A to point B with the hope of no one noticing that I may be wearing last night’s outfit. Or in my case....last years’ misery.

The journey I have experienced has changed me. A leisurely walk takes energy. An afternoon coffee with a friend causes anxiety. A dinner out with the husband is unheard of.

I have to be able to cry. To get mad. To address the lump in my throat, my heart, my stomach... the lump that my body has become.

I have to accept the new me. The one that may never be called mom. And that brings more shame than any walk.