Developing a plan so you can enjoy events with family and friends.
The holiday season is upon us and with that comes lots of family times and celebrations. Surprisingly, I have been fairly fortunate to make it through holiday gatherings without a majorly awkward comment or conversation. I don't know if that means I have awesome people surrounding me (Of course I do...) or if I have found a great way to prepare. Either way, I recognize that this isn't the norm. To give some perspective as we enter this conversation, I am fairly open about our fertility journey with close friends and family. I recognize that if you haven't shared with the people around you, this season may have additional layers. Holidays are hard for so many reasons but having comments from loved ones about growing your family makes it hard and holding all that you are feeling to yourself, makes it even harder. More on that later...
Overall, my reality is that I want to talk about all that we have been going through on our fertility journey with those that I love. I always assume that people have good intentions. I know that my friends and family's questions and comments aren’t malicious. They care and truly want to catch up with how we are doing. And...when I imagine that conversation in certain settings, it stings. The holidays can be a reminder of the things I don’t have or get to experience. The additional questions and seeing distant family or friends can bring that hurt to the surface. 'Tis the season for tough moments and added stress. Ugh.
To cope with all of this, I create a plan to prevent the awkward comment or unfortunate triggers as much as possible. While I would love for those around me to know the questions to avoid, it is impossible. And honestly, I shouldn't even try to control that. In order for me to be able to enjoy the holiday events, I prepare. I take time to explore my triggers, identify boundaries, and then make sure to communicate that with others prior to the gathering. I identify some of my truths and follow guidelines to make it closer to carefree.
Fortunately, I was able to apply it my holiday approach to almost every social outing. While it can be exhausting to go through this process of preparing, it is so worth it. Thankfully, most events don't require ALL of these details, but the pieces help me have a good time. Especially, during the holidays.
Are you ready?
To begin, I identify my triggers. When I work to create this list, I imagine varying situations in my mind and determine which situations make me uncomfortable. Be honest with yourself. It is important to really dig deep and explore many options. This will help as you move into the following steps.
Some of the questions I ask myself are:
What am I worried about regarding this gathering? Why does that make me worry?
What makes me anxious as I plan to attend this event? Why am I anxious?
What is the worst thing that could happen? What would I do in that situation?
When I imagine a conversation not going well, what does that look like? What is my response?
Once I have my list of possible triggers and the reasons I feel that way, I ask:
What would make this situation more pleasant or less stressful? How can I create a controlled environment around these triggers.
From this, I am able to identify boundaries or rules that will help me navigate the event.
Some of the boundaries I have created are:
I prefer to talk about growing our family in a one on one setting.
If you simply ask how I am doing, I will bring our journey up if I want to talk about it at that moment. If I don’t, please don’t ask.
I love to listen to success stories, but please don’t recommend that we take the same path. If we are interested in details for us, we will ask.
Once you know your boundaries, it is important to communicate them with those around you. This can be the hardest part. Talk with your partner if you need help in approaching these next steps.
Identify your biggest advocate within the group that will be attending. With my family, I start with my mom. She is willing to share my story and stand in when I can't speak for myself. Whether we want to admit it or not, our family cares. It is likely they are talking about our struggles and successes when we aren’t around. It is simple for this to be added to the conversation from someone that you trust.
When I first developed this practice, I called my mom and simply told her that I was looking forward to seeing family. I shared that I was a little anxious given the circumstances we were facing around having littles. Then I shared that I had identified some things that would make it easier for me. I shared my boundaries and asked her if they made sense. Then I asked if she would be comfortable sharing these with others before the event. She was happy to have a way to help me. As you know, there aren't many ways people can help us on this journey. When I asked my mom to help in this way, it helped her fill the need to help. I imagine your advocate will feel similar.
When I had this conversation, it was important for me to acknowledge that I appreciated their care. However, each day or moment can bring different emotions and we are trying to enjoy ourselves as much as we can. This prior conversation helped establish what we were okay with and helped give direction as well. They knew when and if they could ask these questions. Awkward questions can now exit the conversation. Sigh.
This alone gave me huge relief when attending large gatherings. I was able to release some of the worry about the comments and how I would address them. After doing this once, five years ago…I haven’t had any concerns with comments from family. Oh, how I love them!
While comments from others can be hard, there are also the unexpected triggers that can appear. Your cousin announces a pregnancy or a new baby is being passed around. While you want to be as respectful as you can, it is also important to offer yourself grace. For me, that looks like giving myself permission to take care of myself first. Even over the social norms.
In order to do that, I create guidelines that allow me to feel safe when I attend events. It has been a great help as I navigate gatherings. If I didn’t have this list, I may not attend anything. Eek. Who wants that?
Some of my personal guidelines are:
I will only attend if I am able to identify a space where I can get away or be alone. (e.g., a private bathroom, access to a bedroom, ability to go to my car, etc.)
I am always allowed to excuse myself to that space.
My partner knows my signal and will support me as needed.
The first guideline is important to me because I tend to need space to pull myself together. I know my emotions are important to feel when they rise, so I will just excuse myself and work through it. I don’t ever apologize for disappearing and I don’t worry about how long it takes. Unless, I am in a bathroom and there is a line. Whoops.
At times, it is easy to stay in the situation and compromise our well-being to be polite. The second guideline is a personal reminder that I am allowed to step outside of the social norms. For me, it is almost a guarantee that I won’t have a good time, if I continue to push through the uncomfortable situation. Therefore, I just prepare myself with an “I will be right back.” This allows me to step away, recover from the trigger, and generally the conversation has shifted when I return. Game changer!
When I would escape at family gatherings, it never failed that a niece or nephew would find me. While that can seem counter productive, it was often a blessing. Little ones have an ability to shift your energy so effortlessly. Once I begin asking them questions or we started playing, I often returned to the space laughing. And when you come back with a kid in tow, people don't think anything of your absence.
The final guideline is determined before we arrive to the event. En route to a gathering, Aaron and I often share how we are feeling. We determine a look and a gesture that indicates we need help with the conversation. If I am across the room, this indicator signals that one of us is uncomfortable and we attempt to make our way to each other. And if Aaron isn’t attending with me, I would tell my friend or someone else close to me what I needed prior to the party. Honestly, it is rare that we have to use this one if I follow the guidelines above.
And finally… when all the planning fails, which it will, I have a ‘go-to’ phrase I have created using my boundaries. When that dreaded question rises, I simply say, “Thank you for asking. That is a tough topic right now. I would like to talk about that at another time.” And then I ask them about something important to them. Generally, they apologize and the conversation flows on. Later they may reach out…or they may not. And both are okay.
These are my tricks for navigating events on your fertility journey. These boundaries and personal guidelines have made all the difference for my event loving self. It is important to remember that when we step back from our tough, the reality is other people in the room often have their own hard topic that they are trying to avoid as well.
Stay true to your needs. Always offer yourself grace. And remember, the questions are usually rooted in love.
You’ve got this!
Love, Abbey
If you have further questions regarding your plan for events and social gatherings, I would love to help. You can reach me at loveharagrace@gmail.com or IG @loveharagrace to schedule a call. There are many unique situations and "what if's" that need tailored to your needs. Let's work through them!
