When helping others becomes your rainbow.

Two years ago this month, haragrace was officially developed. My vision was to help women learn about their bodies through charting. To help support their fertility by tuning in to their intuition. To help women learn about natural ways they could support their needs. To help them listen to the voices of their heart. To understand how that voice impacts their body and their daily activities. 

And then…I had the first of 3 miscarriages within a 5-month span. To give the short version, I entered a season that would bring me to my lowest. It would shake up my life and all that I know. Honestly, the only thing that seems the same as it was prior to these losses is my address...and sometimes I wonder if that needs to change.

My mind and body can easily go back to these times and my eyes begin to fill with tears. During the darkest days, it was hard for me to get out of bed. There were many days that I would wake up and only move to the couch to sleep. Then once it got dark, I would pull myself off the couch to go to bed. On the good days, I would get up and read a book or search for information to help me. 

On the really good days, I would shower, throw on a smile, and get out of the house. But I was fragile. I had to build a strong wall around me. I would avoid once loved interactions with friends. I quit reaching out and my goal was to hide. There was a longing to feel normal again. I took a full time position for awhile, but this was all in effort to become who I once was. I remember not knowing what to do with how I was feeling or who I would be when I recovered. 

Fortunately, I always knew that I would recover. I didn’t know how or what it would look like. That was the hardest part. I couldn't let go of what I thought the outcome should be. In my former mind, the only satisfactory result of this experience included having a child. This storm would definitely be followed by a rainbow baby…right?

I was paralyzed by grief and I sat in it for over a year. So it probably doesn’t need to be said that the vision of haragrace was put on hold. A day didn’t go by that I didn’t think about haragrace and how it could help others like me. I continued to fill my mind with all of the research and dreams of what haragrace can offer women. It continued to expand my heart. However, I wouldn't allow myself to be truly vulnerable.

After many hard days, the hardest conversation came when we decided to stop actively trying to get pregnant. While those few days were so tough, they were the beginning of breathing again. I began to see my purpose for more than only having a little. With many tears and an ah-ha moment, I was able to release the narrow vision I held for myself and allowed other dreams to take life.

haragrace is my rainbow. For me, this isn’t the image of my little bundled in all the rainbow gear. It isn't holding on to all of the warmth a little brings to a home. It is using haragrace to help others during the storm. To foster that same warmth and love through helping others.

The steps I took two years ago were only the beginning. They gave me something to focus on when my known life was crumbling. I don’t think it is a coincidence that I registered my LLC during a month dedicated to pregnancy and infant loss.

This year, on Remembrance Day, I shared a message to honor the 5 babies we lost through miscarriage. I put the message up to express my love for what this journey had brought me. To show that we mourn, but mainly-we remember. The messages of sadness I received in response pulled all of my heart strings. I realized how much I hid from those around me. I saw how much I had healed. And mostly, that I am strong enough to help others. 

I can move! I no longer feel like I have to hide. Each day, I am expanding what I know. I am rebuilding who I am. I am actively experiencing what it is like to hold grace and understanding for myself and this journey. I have learned that sometimes things are on a different timeline than you have imagined. And likely a better timeline that you imagined. 

I am excited to announce that classes are scheduled and being offered! That conversations about ways to support wellness and understanding of the body are happening. haragrace is taking on doula clients and providing support for women where they are. She is showing up with all of the love and we hope you will too!

With all the love, excitement, and gratitude,

Abbey