Support when the journey goes ‘right’.

Often, I find myself discussing triggers with women who are experiencing infertility. The most frequent trigger that is addressed is a pregnant friend, coworker, or family member. And the next most common is a baby shower invitation.

These run-ins hold so much hurt for women when they are in the trenches of conception. They want to have that perfectly round bump that displays their dreams. They want to be celebrating the growth of their family. However, infertility has kept that goal at a distance for longer than desired…sometimes years, sometimes decades.

That time has created hurt.

After retreating to their safe space and nursing the wounds of their experience. Many will find the courage attend the shower. They will be able to meet with their friend and ask questions about the pregnancy. 

This has always been something that I was afraid of experiencing. Pregnancy was my desire. I don’t want to hold anger or jealousy toward the women who are experiencing their blessing. My hurt was not a result of their blessing.  So I prayed that I would be able to hold happiness for them as I was on my journey. And I am mostly successful.

Strangely, the moments that were hardest were when I saw women who had experienced the challenge of infertility being triggered by their own pregnancy. The fear that existed with each cycle became present for each milestone as their baby grew. They feared beta tests and sonograms. Sitting in a waiting room with other pregnant women was heartbreaking. At a time when their dreams were coming true…

They knew too much.

The knowledge they had gained during their journey to conception caused fear of the many things that could happen.

They lost trust in their body’s abilities.

When I saw this happen, my heart ached. This journey of creating life and trying all the things to bring home baby had taken so much from the experience. My friends weren’t able to be present and sit in the joy of their dreams because they were overshadowed by the hurt.

This. Along with watching my friends seek isolation due to being a trigger for others, helped me realize that women that get pregnant after infertility need unique care and support during pregnancy as well.

The journey of reclaiming our power while creating life is hard. Usually, we have just been through many cycles of trauma and loss and now we step into a new arena of advocating for ourself and our future child. 

We are tired. We hurt. And just when things are going right…we still need help. Learning about our baby and body as it pertains to pregnancy is a transition. It doesn't seem real yet. We need someone to be an advocate for us as we take time to transition to the idea of carrying our child. The perception that all will be ok once we are pregnant has followed us through the conception journey. Once we get pregnant, a different set of fears and worry rise to the top.

Unfortunately, it is part of the infertility journey that extends for the rest of our life. We have conditioned our body to be prepared for everything to go wrong. Even when the journey is going right, we have experiences that follow us. The challenges and memories can’t go away. 

So while our hearts feel for women on the journey to conception, we also feel for women during their pregnancy. The journey and emotions can feel similar, even with things go ‘right’.

Sending you so much love!

haragrace recognizes the need for support during conception, pregnancy and birth. We want women to be present during this time and to help them trust their bodies. It is important to find support for the whole journey. We want to be your advocate, educator, and doula.