Gaining perspective on the infertility journey.
Infertility sometimes feels like a constant mental challenge. I have been really working on adjusting my mainframe around my infertility journey. I have been reading the books, listening to the podcasts, journaling, meditating, talking to mentors, and just resting with my thoughts. This has been a primary focus for almost 2 years.
In April, I attended a conference where one of the speakers was a counselor that practices primarily with clients that experience infertility. My lightbulb turned on when she said that the journey of infertility is defined by our ability to experience loss and continue to live with that loss.
She was right. I experience grief around so many things that I and those around me are losing.
Babies through miscarriage.
Embabies through genetic testing.
Hope of pregnancy.
Even if we experience the blessing of bringing home as many healthy babies as we desire.
We can still mourn the time lost.
Memories.
Innocence.
Negative pregnancy tests.
Worry free doctor’s appointments.
Carefree pregnancy.
Joy.
We may mourn loss for others.
Our spouse’s desire to be a parent.
The inability to create a grandparent experience for our parents.
Our adopted child’s relationship with their birth family.
Our child’s ability to be a sibling.
And these are just the big ones.
We can lose things like our ability to eat at any restaurant due to the diet restrictions. Financial obligations can impact the opportunity to travel. Our spontaneous trip to the store to get household needs disappears because of the toxins included in the products. The ease of friendships. Jovial conversation with family.
Unfortunately, she was SO right! I didn’t even consider the smaller items around loss that I would deal with for the rest of my life.
Ugh.
About a year ago, I talked with my doctor about the denial I was experiencing around infertility. I don’t and still wouldn't choose this to be part of my story. Often, I have trouble saying infertility. I choose to call it delayed fertility. While there are many things that fall into this reasoning, I know that part of that resistance is my inability to accept that this is my journey.
Fast forward to today. I am listening to an informational video about making changes in your life to optimize your fertility and I am asked: What will I gain by making this change?
First thought. “Well shit. I have control of this.”
At that moment, a cartoon played in my mind. My brain became a room filled of filing cabinets…They all just opened up, spit out all of the contents…each and every paper, note, message, picture, receipt went flying through the air. They quickly reorganized themselves and went back in the drawers. This all happened in about 2 seconds.
2 years of work all came together in 2 seconds.
My perspective has changed, my power returned, and my body is tingling.
I can do this. You can do this.
So here’s to the next step in our adventure. Working in this new way of thinking. Focusing on the power we have to make changes and GAIN from this experience.
The loss is there and it has definitely defined us, but we have power over our choices.
My decisions.
I choose to be present and hold on to hope
I choose to create a life a love
I choose to continue to work on making myself the best version I can and loving me along the way
I choose to love my partner in life and together work toward creating our own version of happiness
Here’s to gaining perspective in a journey consumed by loss. Cheers!
