Changing my response, changing the conversation.

The other night I went to an all women event that my best friend put together. It was created as a night for women to come together, get vulnerable, and enjoy being real. 

The ladies that came out were lovely. Some were parents to many children, others were single mommas to one or two, and some had no kiddos at all. Thankfully, it was a great mix of people and life experiences. As the evening began, we all started to open up and get to know each other a little better. The conversation started with children and advice between moms as they face the many challenges of raising their littles. After some time, one of the mommas noticed that some in the room may not relate, so she asked, “so no kiddos...what do you do with your free time?” I was caught off guard a bit by the wording of the question, but also recognized that her intentions were kind. She wanted to include me in the conversation. 

After some frantic self talk of, ‘come on, think of something...’ and ‘what is safe to share?’, I first dismissed my experience. I said, “we really aren’t that exciting...” ugh. Just because i don’t have children doesn’t mean I don’t have a life. I went on to share, ‘I like to read, and be creative... we like to travel, but haven’t done that in awhile... I like board games and spending time with friends and family...” she responded with “what are you reading?” 

Phew... I made it. I made it through the hard part of making conversation. The part that used to be so natural and comfortable. The very thing that I used to initiate on my own.

After the night wrapped up, I replayed that moment in my head. It bothered me. While everything I said was true, I hadn’t been fully honest. If I could replay, this would be my answer.

“Most of my free time is spent researching the things I should try or do to be able to have a baby.”

That’s right folks. When you experience delayed fertility, recurrent miscarriages, failed assisted reproductive cycles, reproductive challenges and diagnosed conditions that prevent you from having a baby...your free time becomes research.

You stop reading for fun and enjoying the things you once knew. Your life is sucked into the latest research on the next approach to pregnancy. 

I am very proud of the things I have learned and how well I know my body and it’s natural cycle. Often, I am surprised how many times my research can help other women close to me.

However, it is not my first thought when someone asks me how I spend my free time. 

That is now changing. My response will be, "I enjoy reading and researching." "What?", they may ask. "I enjoy reading and researching ways to have a child."

I hope my vulnerability will change the conversation. That I no longer have to get anxious about what to share. I can talk about the things I know and take advantage of the opportunities that arise from my truth.

The truth is that all of my free time is spent dreaming and preparing for a child.