Owning my fertility journey.
About a year ago, I was laying down to get acupuncture treatment when my wonderful doctor asked the usual question, “How are you?” I began to cry, “I don’t want this to be my story.” I didn’t want to own this experience or admit that I had been trying to have a baby for over 5 years. Honestly, I walked around life hoping to conceal my strongest desire and my lack of making it reality.
Finally, I got tired of hiding. I recently went public with my struggles with conceiving a child. I shared with those I knew about the challenges we faced and the loss we experienced. It felt like a relief. I had some hard conversations. Spent almost a week shedding tears. And after the initial questions and stories from others, it felt like I could breathe again. I could interact with people without the pressure or worry about questions coming up. Relieved, I felt more like myself again.
Recently, I started a new job and I was placed in a space where the people around me didn’t know this part of my story. I was somewhat anxious about this as I knew the common questions of getting to know each other. I was asked if I had children and I flew through the question with a simple no. This was a relief.
Some comments surfaced about not having responsibilities. The envy for being able to pick up and travel easily. The flexibility in my life. I listened and politely agreed.
At first, their lack of knowledge about my experiences was a relief. I was able to walk into work and not have to face the sighs of sympathy that were ever present in my life.
After some time, I began to feel like I was hiding again. I was denying the part of my life that has been so present. However, the conversation hasn’t presented itself with an opportunity to share in an appropriate setting. I will wait until that time, but also be ready to step into that conversation with confidence of who I am.
These experiences have reminded me that I can’t hide from my fertility journey. It is very real for me and others that walk this path. Our heart beats every day with yearning to have a baby.
For others to truly know me, I have to be open to sharing this part of my story. This is my strongest desire. My highest priority. They don’t know my why or understand my approach to life without this precious piece.
It has taken time for me to call it precious, but at this moment I understand that it has helped create the person I am today. Moving forward, I must own this and all of the experiences that come with it. Every day doesn’t have this peace. Therefore, I take time to appreciate the days that do. These experiences allow me to increase the opportunities to own my path through the fertility challenges.
