Finding my value through the insanity.
Many times I ask myself if I am crazy. The definition of insanity...doing the same thing over and over expecting different results.
Hmmm. It sounds like my fertility journey.
Chart my heart out.
Have sex at the most ideal time.
Worry for 2 weeks while reading all that I can and praying for all the possibilities.
Take as many pregnancy tests as I can fit in the budget.
Have the dreaded feeling of starting.
Confirm it with a trip to the bathroom.
Sulk for a day. (if I am lucky)
Make an adjustment based on the research in step 3.
Repeat. (More times that I want to count. Eek!)
And honestly, the part that made me feel the most bonkers was trying to try new things and changing what I was doing to find the 'perfect' recipe.
In the midst of all of this hustle, try, worry, panic, .... I began to realize that life was passing me by. Years have gone by. I was missing out on the family events. I missed hanging out with friends. I missed the laughter of a good board game and the relaxation of a night out to dinner.
I had to stop.
Stop trying? No. Never. I don’t think I am capable. Aaron and I joke that we will never need a prevention method. That isn’t our life.
I had to stop putting my worth into whether I could conceive a child. I don’t look at someone and think that they are only worthy because they are a mother. So why did I place this expectation on myself?
I had to determine ways to get my life back. To feel like I had a purpose. I made some intentional changes in my day to day.
Some things I do include:
Get present.
Stay present.
Tune in to my needs.
Get rid of the expectations I created.
Throw away my timeline.
Stop comparing myself to those around me.
Do something to help someone each day.
Always have something planned to look forward to.
Journaling.
Create a mantra to use during the harder times. (See mine below.)
Trust. There is a plan. Better than I can imagine.
I don’t know if I will ever give up hope in becoming a mother to a little love. But I definitely had to give up the idea that I am only valuable if I am a mom.
I am valuable simply because I exist. While at times this journey has made me question my worth, I have to remember this.
A motto that centered around much of my college experience and I try to apply it to my life and in my work is ‘You belong here simply because you are here and for no other reason.’
'You belong here simply because you are here....'
This has helped me through baby showers and birthday parties. It has helped me walk into meetings and share with people I meet. It helps me remember that there is more to life and I want to contribute even during the hard times.
And when I tell myself that I belong here and that I am valued...
The cloud begins to lift. I begin to laugh and enjoy more of my days. I reach out to friends to see how they are. I own my space-both physically and within the fertility journey. As we learn to value ourselves during the good and the worst parts of it, we are adding value to EVERYTHING! Our life and our future babies…
I can’t wait until they get to meet us.
